Latest Jokes

Every week Murray goes to the synagogue and prays, "God, please let me win the lottery. Just once, please let me win the lottery."

This goes on week after week, month after month, "God, please let me win the lottery."

One day this majestic voice booms down from above, "Murray, meet me halfway, buy a ticket!"

A little girl picks up the phone, “Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks.

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!”

“And what happened, honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

Male job interviewer: "Last name?"
Attractive blonde interviewee: "Pelling... P...E...L...L...I...N...G..."
Interviewer: "Marital status ?"
Interviewee: "Single, no kids."
Interviewer, after pausing to 'check her out', asks: "Are you purposely miss-spelling?"