When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender, “I’d like a beer please, and one for the road.”