Past Winners

Deciding to give his wife a pleasant surprise, the husband took home some flowers and a box of candy. "Hazel, you look tired," he said to his wife. "Slip on your best outfit and lets go out to eat."

Hazel bursts into tears. "It was bad enough to have the baby fall down the back steps and burn my hand in the kitchen," she sobbed, "but to have you come home intoxicated is just too much!"

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."

Slim: "Did he keep it?"

Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

It was the man’s first trip by airplane. He was frightened and nervous. As the engines began to roar, he gripped the arms of his seat, closed his eyes, and counted to one hundred.

When he opened his eyes he looked out of the windows. “See those tiny people down there,” he said to the woman sitting next to him, “don’t they look like ants?”

“They are ants,” the woman said. “We haven’t left the ground yet.”

I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."