Past Winners

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

Burns: Do you like to love?
Allen: No.
Burns: Like to kiss?
Allen: No.
Burns: What do you like?
Allen: Lamb chops.
Burns: Lamb chops. Could you eat two big lamb chops alone?
Allen: Alone? Oh, no, not alone. With potatoes I could.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ”Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey" she said,"'you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti

Three with meatballs, two without.

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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."