misc jokes

A man is walking down the street. He sees a beautiful woman coming toward him. She's walking a dog. As she comes nearer, he finds he can't take his eyes off the dog...she gets within ten feet of him, and he says, "Excuse me, lady, but I couldn't help noticing...your dog has no nose...how does he smell?"
"Awful!" She replied

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.
The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.
The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”
Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”
The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”
When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.
What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?
Let’s peal it back down stairs.

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”

Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”