misc jokes

Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true?"

"Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”

“So you don’t really know if it’s true," Socrates said. "Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary.”

“So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”

“Well it... no, not really.”

“Well, concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.

Two roofers, Larry and Joe, were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea,” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

"What, do you think, that I’m stupid?" replied Joe. “I have and idea! I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

Larry wasn't having it. "What, do you think that I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway down.”

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!