misc jokes

“Guilty or not guilty of begging?’ asked the magistrate.
“Nearly guilty,” said the beggar.
“What do you mean, ‘nearly’ guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate.
“Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn’t get it.”

At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”

Q: Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

“May I go swimming, Mommy?”
“No, you may not. There are sharks here.”
“But Daddy’s swimming.”
“He’s insured.”