misc jokes

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way.

An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out.

He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"

The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.

The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

A young woman came back from her honeymoon and called her mother. Mama, I need to see you right away. The mother ran over to her daughter’s house. The daughter said, Mama I have to leave my husband, I just can't stay with him. The mother advised her daughter” now look here, your married to him now so you need to stay with him. But mama, he says these things, these things. No matter my dear daughter he is your husband and your place is by his side. But mama, you don't understand that he says these things, these. So the mother asked her daughter what things the husband is saying. Mama, he says, wash clothes, cook dinner & iron clothes. The mother quickly said, pack your bags, your going back home.