misc jokes

 Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
 The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
 However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
 According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion
 leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

 A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.  
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."
 "Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"  
 "Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."  
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.  
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. 
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." 
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. 
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without." 

A fellow is trying out his new sports car; driving at 80 mph he sees a state patrol car in his mirror; he drives faster to 95 mph...the police car is right behind him; brings it up to 110 mph and the police car is right on his tail...finally, he stops; the trooper comes up to his car as asks "what's your story" the trooper continues; every time I stop someone going as fast as you were, they have some kind of story. He tells the trooper; "actually, I have a story but you wouldn't believe it" the trooper says "try me"...He then tells the trooper: "three months ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper...I thought you were him bringing her back!!