misc jokes

A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Q: How do you keep an Antartian busy for hours? 
A: Give him/her a blank sheet of paper and tell them to write their name on the front.

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, 
"Do you have any small notebooks?" 
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." 
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" 
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. 
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" 
The manager shrugs, "Sorry." 
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. 
"Nope. Don't have that." 
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!" 
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." 

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, 
"Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"