Best Jokes

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"

The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says,

"Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

A man jumps from a plane and as he descends pulls his parachute only nothing happens so he pulls his reserve and still no luck so as he contemplates flapping his arms like a bird when he spies a man coming up towards him.

Calling out to the man “DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?”

The other man replies “NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS COOKERS?”