Best Jokes

Jim, a fireman came home from work one day and told Barb, his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firestation.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the poll
Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, i want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night Jim came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" Barb promptly took all her clothes off. When Jim yelled, "Bell 2!" Barb jumped into bed. When Jim yelled, "Bell 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes Barb yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked Jim.

"Roll out more hose!", Barb replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!"

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies!

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...

I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?

A frog croaks all the time, while a cat only nine times.