Best Jokes
Favorite this joke I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
She said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I'm pretty flexible, but I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."
"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?"
"Yes, this is the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."
"I want you to send somebody over right away."
"What's wrong?"
"There's a horrid magazine salesman, just sitting in a tree teasing my dog."
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