Best Jokes

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant, Sir!"

Two lawyers, partners in small practice, close the shop and go to lunch. Suddenly the first lawyer says, "I forgot to lock the safe!"

"Easy, easy," his partner soothed. "We're both here, aren't we?"

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A group of hippies gathered underneath the Washington Monument around a small bond fire.

A drunk staggered by took a long look at them and then a long look up at the Monument.

After a deep thought moment, the drunk says to the group, "You'll never get that rocket off the ground."