Best Jokes

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.”

“Where?”

“In Denver,” she said.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"It's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "I want to know what it is now?"

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?

An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.

A mafia actuary can name them.