A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, "that’s nothing" as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future.
The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, "I think you’re right, do you see that noodle? It’s telling me you’ll be grounded for a week."
Dad, why is mother so forgetful? My friend Bobby is from Buffalo, when I asked mom where I came from she said I need to talk with you.
A guy was gazing at the stars through his binoculars when his wife came out in a new dress. She asked if it made her hips look smaller. He paused for a second, turned his binoculars around, and then looked at her. "I’ve got some good news honey, you’ve never looked better."
Stand-Up Comedian: "You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only."
Stand-Up Comedian's Friend: "Oh yeah? You were that good?"
Stand-Up Comedian: "That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before."