Best Jokes

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him with a problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded with the following account:
Chalk: $1.00
Knowing where to put the 'X': $49,999.00

It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000

There are advantages to being over the age of 60...

1. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
2. Things you buy now won't wear out.

3. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

4. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.