Best Jokes

There was a funeral in Ireland. The coffin was being carried into a large room in a house. There were plenty of empty chairs and lots of people standing around but nowhere to put the coffin down.

“Quickly”, cried the Undertaker, “three chairs for the corpse!”

“Hip, Hip, Hurray!” cried the crowd.

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke."

The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!"

"Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke..."

When the Spider e-mailed the Fly, what did he say?

"Please, come see my WEB!"