Best Jokes

I woke up in the hospital emergency ward. The intern came over and asked me if I knew what happen to bring me to the hospital. I explained, "Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I had been having a great game but unfortunately she was not.

On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds.

We both went looking for the ball. Just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure. Then I called to my wife saying, “Here, honey, this looks like yours.”

“That was the last thing I remember.”

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

On a cold winter evening, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same frigid sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower, they both manage to nod off to sleep.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly hand me one of those blankets over there."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye and says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

Considering this for a moment, the woman giggles, "Why not?"

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school.

The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."