Best Jokes

Do you know why the banana put aloe vera on its sunburn?

Because it was peeling.

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity."