A man and his wife are talking:
Man - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?"
Woman - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!"
Man - "I won twelve dollars, here's six now get out!"
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here.
Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Which burns longer, bagpipes or a banjo?
The Irish gave the Scots the Bagpipes as a cruel joke that was taken seriously.