A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."
He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.
His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
Police officer: Sir, I pulled you over because I have been following you for a while and you went through a stop sign without stopping, went through a red light AND you didn’t yield for the pedestrians on a crosswalk. So let me ask you, did you see the red light?
Driver: Yes I did.
Police Officer: Did you see the stop sign?
Driver: Yes I did.
Police officer: Did you see the pedestrians?
Driver: Yes I did.
Police officer: SO WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP???
Driver: Because… I didn’t see YOU.
Upon returning rather late from an annual physical my wife was wondering how it went. I replied, ”Very routine. He asked if I am continuing to exercise regularly. I replied, ‘yes.’ And am I watching my diet and eating healthy foods to which I replied, ‘of course.’ And are you limiting your alcohol consumption to 1-2 drinks per week I responded ‘absolutely.‘"
My wife then asked, “Then why are you so late?”
“I had to stop at church and go to confession.”
I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.
After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor."
"You mean right next to the baritones?" I asked.
"No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir."