Me: Could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce?
Her: The what?
Me: The Westminster Shore sauce.
Her: Are you feeling alright?
Me: The Warcaster Shiner sauce... you know the one I mean!
I had a job offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the interview on business class.
During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me if I wanted her to dispose of the bag.
I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine...
It's a baby boy, weighing 7 pounds!