I just received a letter from the IRS claiming I wasn’t honest on my tax return. I wrote them back saying if you want honesty, the next time you write start the letter out by saying “stick em up”!

Now that I'm getting older I seem to be gaining a different perspective on life.

When people say "have a good one", I reply, "At my age, I just want to have one!"

Little Johnny was on the playground having a disagreement with another boy. The teacher comes out and tells the boys the best way to solve problems is to be agreeable and also open to compromise.

Little Johnny replies, "OK, I’ll agree to let him compromise."

A guy gets bitten by a zombie but he hasn't completely turned yet. The end of his finger fell off so he handed it to a non-infected man saying, "This can happen to you, now run!"

Before running, the appreciative man looks back and says, "Thanks for the tip!"