A tourist stopped at a country gas station. While his car was being serviced, he noticed an old-timer basking in the sun with a piece of rope in his hand. The tourist walked up to the old-timer and asked, “What do you have there?”

“That’s a weather gauge, sonny,” the old-timer replied.

“How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?”

“It’s simple,” said the old-timer. “When it swings back and forth, it’s windy, and when it gets wet, it’s raining.”

Little Johnny came home from his first day at school.

Little Johnny: I’m not going back tomorrow!

Mom: Why not, what happened?

Little Johnny: Well, I cant read and I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk—so what’s the use?

Carl: I heard a new joke the other day. I wonder if I told it to you?

Lenny: Is it funny?

Carl: Yes.

Lenny: Then you didn’t.