I went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in.

I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"

My parents can be so grouchy some times.

"How the diet going?"

"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."

"Scrambled?"

"No, chocolate."

How many PHILOSOPHERS does it take to change a light bulb?

TWO: One to argue it's not dark. The other to argue that true light is impossible.

Never, NEVER, NEVER make your girlfriend mad...

They can remember stuff that that hasn't even happened yet!