Past Winners

It is a scientific fact...

That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

10. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. You can't remember who sent you this list.

"What are the chances of my recovering?" asked the bedridden man.

"One hundred percent," the physician reassured him. "Medical records show that nine out of ten die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. Others all died. Statistics are statistics. You'll be fine soon enough."

Just because my wife and I didn't eat all of our pizza, the waitress became violent.

She said, "Do you want a box?"

I said, "Heavens no! I don't box, but I'll wrestle you!"