Past Winners

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

Little Johnny was attending the birthday party of a classmate when the mother asked, "Little Johnny, does your mother allow you to have two pieces of cake when you are at home?"

"No, madam. "

"Well, do you think she'd like for you to have two pieces here?"

Little Johnny replied confidently, "She wouldn't care. It's not her cake."

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”

Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”

Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”