Past Winners

A ham and cheese sandwich walks into bar and asks for a drink.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

When you're falling behind, ketchup and mustard the whole situation, so that you may relish it later on.

So, I'm at a store buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(At that point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the lady behind asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.