Past Winners

Husband: Why is the food cold and bland?

Wife: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Politically correct terms for cat owners:

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.

- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.

- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).

When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy...

When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.

Moe: What did you do?

Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.