Best Jokes

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him. "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself," he said.

The boss replied, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?"

Harold: Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge is not dangerous.

Morris: How can you say that?

Harold: It’s s fact. Jumping off is not dangerous—it’s the sudden stop at the end that is.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Why did you stop going to the gym?

I stopped going because I get enough of a workout exercising bad judgment.