My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences.
During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”
A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?"
"Well, I have something here that could work for you," replies the storekeeper.
"What is it?"
"It's liquor-ish."
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?
A: "Dam."