Best Jokes

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook."

His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish... any more questions?"

"Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."

His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"

Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. "I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?

After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. "Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation."