Best Jokes

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"

We'll never run out of math teachers as long as they multiply.

Question: What did the bride give to the groom that loves onions?

Answer: Onion Ring!

There were three idiots who were in another country and they didn't know the language. They decided that they would go to the local village and they would each learn one new phrase.

So they went to the village, and the first idiot was watching a girl sing, "Me,me,me,me,me!!" So that was the first idiot's phrase.

The second idiot saw a street vendor who was selling silverware and who was saying "Forks and knifes." And that was the second idiot's phrase.

The third idiot went to a park and saw a boy saying, "Swing me first!" And that was the third idiot's phrase.

The three idiots met back and were about to tell each other their new phrases when a policeman ran up and said, "There has been a murder. Who did it?"

The idiots decided to use their new phrases, so the first one said, "Me,me,me,me,me!"

The policeman said, "What was the murder weapon?" The second idiot said, "Forks and knifes."

The policeman said, "Y'all are going to have to hang for this." The third idiot said, "Swing me first!"