Best Jokes

Jessie is telling Sam about the new mechanic in the neighborhood.

"I'm telling you Sam, that's a mechanic you can trust!"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, I thought he was going to charge me a lot of money for a lot of made up repairs, but he didn't. He only charged me for changing the light blinker fluid."

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Be more or less specific.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Contractions aren't necessary.

5. One should never generalize.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

8. Understatement is always best.

9. The passive voice is to be avoided.

10. Who needs rhetorical questions?

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't never use a double negation.

13. Always pick on the correct idiom.

14. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

15. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The adverb always follows the verb.

18. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

19. Do not put statements in the negative form.

20. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

21. A writer must not shift your point of view.

22. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

24. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.

He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”

And the lady said, “Pardon?”

"You know how you can tell that cats are smarter?"

"How?"

"Ever see eight cats pulling a sled through snow?"