My first apartment was so close to the Airport...
That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well ... as a matter of fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been married and divorced three times."
Patient: "Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up... something to get me fired up and put me in a fighting mood. Did you put anything like that in this prescription?"
Doctor: "No, not in the prescription. You'll find that in the bill."
Just because my wife and I didn't eat all of our pizza, the waitress became violent.
She said, "Do you want a box?"
I said, "Heavens no! I don't box, but I'll wrestle you!"