Latest Jokes

I have a new application for my smart phone where a cartoon face appears as it verbalizes answers to questions I ask of it.

I love asking it things, but I sure wish it wouldn't sigh, roll it's eyes, and say "OMG" before it answers!

When I got married twenty years ago my father advised me to keep a journal of the things which were important to my wife.

I did this and boy has it come in handy. Just the other day she asked, "How many times do I need to tell you that?"

I looked it up and sure enough 14 years ago she casually mentioned it to me. I'm advising my son to memorize his journal.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.

What kind of lettuce did they serve with their salads on the Titanic?
Iceberg.

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.