Latest Jokes

I took Buzz Lightyear Christmas shopping with me.

We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond!

My family likes to sing carols during the holidays. Alas, I have a cold this year, so when I offered to lead one of the carols, my cousin suggested that I sing away in a manger...

Far, far away, in a manger.

Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school.

One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street and was hit by a car and killed. Timmy's mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy. As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him.

"Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead."

Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, "So, what's for lunch, Ma? I'm starved."

"My, what a brave little boy you are!" his mother replies with relief. "You're certainly taking Laddie's death well."

Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, "I thought you said Daddy."

There once was a butcher named Herman who was famous for his fresh made turkey pies. Customers used to come from miles away to taste his pies. However, after a while, they had noticed that the pies didn't taste quite as good as they used to.

Hoping to get to the bottom of this matter, a customer approaches Herman one day and says, "Herman, I've noticed that lately your pies seem to taste different. Have you changed the recipe?"

"Well, just between you and me," Herman replies. "The pies have been in such high demand that there haven't been enough turkeys to go around, so I've been mixing in a bit of horse meat."

"Horse meat!" the customer echoes in shock. "How much?"

"Oh, about fifty-fifty." Herman replies.

"Fifty-fifty?"

"One horse to one turkey."