My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Ed: How old is your brother?
Ted: He’s a year old.
Ed: Huh! I’ve got a dog a year old and he can walk twice as well as your brother.
Ted: Sure, your dog has twice as many legs.
What's the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.
He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”