Did you hear about the angler who baited his hook with peanut butter?
All he would catch was jellyfish!
Me: "The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches."
Wife: "Okay, just throw them out."
[Later]
Me (helping the kids pack a suitcase): “Look, I’m just as surprised as you are.”
"A-A-R-P, I wanna join the A-A-R-P..."
"Hey Joe, what's that you're singing?"
"I'm one of the Retirement Village People, and I'm practicing for our upcoming concert!"