Past Winners

Valentine Day sign at the local produce store:

I love you... from my head TO-MA-TOES!

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I'm now married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

A businessman is walking along the street dragging one foot, and he bumps into another guy also dragging a foot.

"What happened to you?" asked the business man.

"Iraq, 2003. What about you?" asks the other guy.

"Dog poop, two blocks back."