misc jokes

“I’ve never flown before," said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?"

“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

Jack met Claude in the street and noticed that Claude was carrying a small parcel.
‘Been shopping then, Claude?” he asked.
“Yes,” replied Claude, “I’ve just been to the perfumery to by a present for the wife’s birthday tomorrow.” “Oh, yes?” said Jack, “what did you get her, then?”
“A bottle of toilet water. Very expensive – this little bottle cost me twenty-five dollars!”
“Twenty-five dollars for a bottle of toiler water?” said Jack in amazement. “Why don’t you come home with me? You can have all you want for nothing!”

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"
"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."
"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try...!"

“I hear you’ve got a new baby sister,” said Jonathan to his friend William.
“Yeah.”
“Is she fun to play with?”
“Nah.”
“Well, why don’t you change her?”
“We can’t,” explained William, “we’ve had her for a week already.”