Best Jokes

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40.

A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”