Best Jokes

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really?” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.

Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!


"Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday."

"Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?"

"What do you mean 'took them out of their shells!'"

A patient about to go in for surgery at a small hospital was very nervous. Noticing his concern, the head surgeon traipsed up to him and said, "Don't worry, in all of my experience as a surgeon, only one other patient has died."

"Really?" the patient replied, already beginning to feel a little reassured. "How many other patients have you had?"

"You're my second," the surgeon replied.