Best Jokes

Want to feel old?

A celebrity you’ve never heard of has never heard of a celebrity that you have heard of.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says, "Spit out your gum!" while a train goes, "Choo, choo, choo!"

I asked the three-year-old what he likes to eat.

“Nuts,” he replied.

“Great,” I said. “What kind, pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?"

“No,” she said with a smile, “donuts!”

When I bought my new Corvette, my two sons asked me who would inherit it if I met my demise. I pondered the question, then told them if I passed away on an even day, the son born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.

A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard my son yelling, "It's the wrong day!"