Husband: I hate getting old. No one flirts with me anymore.
Hard-of-hearing Wife: I don't remember you ever doing that. In fact, it's rather disgusting.
Husband: What do you mean? You used to flirt all the time!
Wife: Flirt? Oh, I thought you said 'Fart'.
Hospital Nurse: "You say financial difficulties brought you here?"
Patient: "Yes. I saw my tailor coming, crossed the road to avoid him, and halfway across I saw another creditor on the other side. I did not know what to do, I hesitate and then dove under a car."
A graverdigger, walking in the streets of a small town chanced to turn and noticed two doctors walking behind him. He stopped until they passed and then followed on behind them.
"And why this?" asked the doctors.
"I know my place in this procession," he said.
A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous.
"Jim," he said, "you're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think, if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?"
"I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The better question is, where would YOU be?"