Best Jokes

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

"When the baby cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

Father: You did well with your chores this week, how would you like a shiny new quarter?

Son: I'd rather have a dirty old dollar!

At the local machine shop, Jim was a long time employee who took a new kid under his wing. Ryan, the new hire, was 20 years younger than Jim. He appreciated Jim's help in teaching him the ins and outs of working in a machine shop. They became fast friends, and after a few days decided to hit the local pub together for lunch. They picked a table near the bar, and while they were waiting for their drinks, Ryan noticed an ornery looking guy at the end of the bar staring at him.

"Wonder what that guys problem is," Ryan said to Jim.

"His name is Vic. A mean son of a gun if you've ever seen one. He's about your age, and I've known him pretty much his whole life. Always looking for trouble."

Sensing that they were talking about him, Vic called over to Ryan, "You talking to me?"

Ryan said to Jim, "I think he's looking for a fight. What should I do?"

"Well," said Jim, "when I was your age, I was about your size. Twenty years ago I could've whooped him."

"If you say so!" Ryan gets up and walks toward Vic. As he approached him, Vic hauls off and bam! Vic Knocked Ryan out cold. As Vic was being escorted out of the bar by bouncers, Ryan was coming to at the table where Jim was applying a cold compress to his jaw.

"I thought you told me 20 years ago you could've whooped him," Ryan said.

"I sure could have," Bill replied. "But 20 years ago, Vic would have been 10!"

A lady goes into a butcher shop. She says to the butcher, "can I have a pound of kiddlelees?"

The butcher looks at her and says, "you mean kidneys don't you?"

The lady looks at him and replies, "I said kiddlelees diddle I?"