Best Jokes

A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying.

The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.”

Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'”

“Where is my clock?”

“Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLOOOOO," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"

Marvin has a binging problem which happens to him every year the day after Thanksgiving.

"Why must you gorge yourself on leftovers?" his wife asked. "Don't you have any self-control?"

"What are you worried about?" Marvin replied. "I can quit cold turkey!"

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo Island, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.

The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."

They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.

"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.

"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.

"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"