Best Jokes

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"

I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."

I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Lady: My husband keeps talking in his sleep.
Doctor: Just allow him to speak during the day, and he will be alright.

You’ve really gotta hand it to short people...

Because they usually can’t reach it for themselves.