Latest Jokes

Martha's Way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's Way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery, they'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's Way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? If it doesn't have calories, why keep it?

Martha's Way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so don't do it.

Martha's Way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, cut it in quarters and rub it on the rim of a tall glass. Put lime in glass, fill with gin and tonic water and sip until the throbbing goes away. (repeat as required)

Martha's Way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the cute neighbor to do it.

And finally...

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?

Two cannibals are munching on singer/musician Al Yankovic...

One says to the other, "Does this taste a little weird to you?"

A disheveled man was standing on a busy city corner. With open palms toward the sky he yells out give me a sign, I just need a sign.

The manager of a pizza restaurant walks out and hands the man a sign. He says just wave it at the passing cars!

A zombie goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a horrible rash!"

The doctor says, "Son, I'm sorry but that's not a rash, that's called your face."